Days 8 & 9, July 17th and 18th

Who has any idea of why I didn't post yesterday? Not me. No clue.

Perhaps it was because I was so consumed with the idea of eating a double butterburger. I could not get eating off my mind yesterday!

I am guessing, perhaps, that the absolutely foul, metallic taste that thickly coats my tongue and inner oral cavity is the culprit. The taste is like concentrated animal vomit and I can't get it by brushing or rinsing. I tried to chew a piece of organic, sugarless gum and it was way too sweet for me. I had to spit it out.

Anyway, this is my eighth and ninth day report to myself. Onward I march. I have normal energy and not much is different except for the fact that I'm not eating.

Day 7 - Wednesday, July 16th

Unfortunately I don't have anything much more interesting to say than the lame stuff I scratched down yesterday.

I walked to work today and felt pretty good. My vision is a bit blurry but nothing bothersome. I feel a bit tired but no more so than I feel when I am eating like a pig.

So unless something noteworthy occurs today, which would compel me to write to myself on this blog (highly doubtful), I will sign off for today and try to come up with something a little more interesting for tomorrow (no guarantees).

Days 1,2,3,4 & 5 (the 6th being July 15th)

I wish to acknowledge, and then dismiss, the fact that I began my fast five days ago and did not journal it in this blog. I have over-thought the handful of plausible explanations that might clarify my episodic dementia, but have adopted not-a-one as usable (that’s why I made my motion to dismiss the subject once I run through the excuses).

Perhaps I was lazy. Maybe I just didn’t believe that I would be able to continue this, particular fast to any significant point and rather than bother with journaling a failure, I just wanted to make sure it got off the ground (this seems to be the best excuse even though its accuracy must remain in doubt). It could be that I didn’t want to make a commitment to myself to actually begin another fast and blogging it would have forced me into it. In the end, who knows and who cares. This is only me talking to me anyway, so onward I go with my chronicle of the experience.

I have had many failures and false starts in the interim between the last 6 day fast and this one. I wanted to begin quite a few times but there always seemed to be an important inconvenience or a handy, perfect excuse pleading with me to use it. This commitment problem could speak to my lack of purpose in this fast. This should probably be added to the list of good excuses for not chronicling in the preceding paragraph. So now I will speak to this issue of purpose.

I am fasting because it amazes me that I can do it. So maybe it gives my self-esteem a bump up to witness the self-control that I can muster against my instinctual, carnal drives. I’m not admitting to this, just mentioning it as a possibility. Through the miniscule amount of reading that I have done on the subject (albeit emanating from very credible and believable authority), I am convinced that this is a healthy pursuit. I would never put myself in the position of recommending it to anyone else, but for me it is a very worthwhile pursuit for several reasons: It cleans me out physically and psychologically; I lose a little weight which takes me to a healthier place; I have more time to think about things other than the preparation , buying, fantasizing, eating and post-consumptive remorse, of food; I have been coming across more and more reference to fasting as a spiritual tool in my continued study of the Bible . . . so I think I’m covered on many beneficial fronts.

This actual experience is not much different than what I remember the other ones being. I am in my mid-sixth day and am not feeling any negative effects of not having eaten any solid food for almost a week. The liquid that I have consumed has primarily been water but there have been a couple of cups of tea a day as well. Other than yesterday, when I drank a glass of unsweetened grapefruit juice, I have not had any juice at all.

I am able to walk about an hour and a half a day without noticing any lack of energy at all. In fact, I have been reading a fascinating book authored by Richard J. Foster entitled, “Freedom of Simplicity” which has put my spirit in an easy state of comfort. I would recommend this book as the perfect compliment, as a matter of fact, to any fast. Maybe I will read another of his books during the next fast I engage in.

So, with this nonsensical monologue having run its course to boredom, I will sign off. Perhaps tomorrow I will have something more interesting to note.

The End of Fast Number 2

I returned from my retreat yesterday and broke my fast. So it's over and it did not run the duration of what I have predicted or expected, but that happens. I am not discouraged. Much good was done.

To summarize, I went from Monday through Sunday and broke the fast on Sunday night. So that is six full days.

It was easier this second time than it was the first, but there was not really any difficulty on either one. The hardest part was the first day.

I will be cranking another one up shortly . . .

Day Four 6:32 AM

Another day presents itself. It's early and we'll see how the day goes, but I am extraordinarily introspective this morning. I don't know if I have more RAM available in my frontal lobe because I am not thinking about what I am going to eat or regretting what I just ate, but it seems like it is easier for me to sink into nice, calm reflection sessions with myself while I am fasting.

I have been thinking about how much we are trapped by our habits. How much we do without thinking, just reflexively because we have developed these "habits" of lifestyle behaviors. Some of them can be better defined as addictions but the word "habit" is easier to accept in order to move ahead with this particular reflection.

Unfortunately, most of our habitual behaviors have short-term purposes without any connection to long-term outcomes. I say "most" because there are some habits that are specifically initiated in order to achieve desired long-term outcomes. The habit of studying, for example, has the long-term benefit of achieving some sort of desired academic outcome. Another one would be exercise which would bring about the desired long-term outcome of improved health.

But there are many, many other habits that we allow to occupy big swaths of our lives that have invented and inserted themselves into our routines with NO positive long-term outcome. We have allowed these almost-invisible demons to invade, occupy and, many times, direct our lives in undesireable ways. One huge example of this would be watching television. It induces a comatose effect on our intelligence. Another huge example of this would be eating, which has resulted in an obesity epidemic around the world. These things are the result of unplanned and unwanted habitual behaviors that cause unplanned and unwanted long-term outcomes.

So why am I saying all of this? Because I am demonstrating to myself the ease with which I can control my habits by this fasting experiment. I am out-of-the-habit of eating every time I get a twinge to eat. I have broken the cycle of eating right before I go to bed and because I have now developed this behavior into a "habit", it's easy.

We are such creatures of habit that it isn't even funny. Habits drive our lives and if we allow habits to become addictions (this is another blog subject in and of itself) then we become lost, victims of unwanted and unplanned outcomes. Our self-esteem plummets and our feelings of helplessness and depression increase. We grow quickly to believe that we have no control over our waistlines, our appearances, our health and our lives and just "give up" on trying to control them anymore.

My tiny example of one, completely unspectacular and boringly normal, man's ability to completely stop eating solid food for a not-insignificant period of time is noteworthy evidence that we have absolute control over our short and long-term outcomes.

Please believe me when I say that "if I can do it, anyone can". It doesn't take much more than a sincere desire and a day-at-a-time strategy.

Day Two 9:09 AM

I don't have a lot to say to myself today. It's day two and it's my birthday. I told Tere to make me an ice cake since I'm fasting and can only drink water. I am really funny, aren't I?

A New Fast - Monday March 31 5:42 AM

I have decided to begin another fast. The benefits of the last one were lasting enough to encourage me to try another one. Plus the tantalizing lure of taste has tightened its grip on my tongue and I find myself slipping back into my old ways of eating which were very poor (to say the least). So I am interrupting my slide down this slippery slope of gluttony.

My timing is probably quite poor since tomorrow (April 1st) I turn 57. I guess we'll just have a water toast to my having stayed alive for so many years but I will get a sense of satisfaction for having weathered a stoic social stigma that has never done anything for me anyway.

Plus I have a retreat this weekend where food, and the collective consumption of food, is a fulcrum of social sharing. I guess the best way of handling this is to forget about it until it happens. I can only do this fasting thing one day at a time and that problem is not within my current sights. I'll get to it when it comes up. I have a problem of trying to over think my life and I get so far ahead of what is actually happening that I trip over my own psychological feet. I trip myself up constantly. So, what I've learned is that I have to keep things simple and just worry about what is in front of me (as pertains to over thinking) and keep trudging along.

The End

My fast ended last night about ten with a bowl of wild rice.

The reason it ended was more self-imposed social pressure and upcoming obligations to eat in social settings that made it more logical to break my fast with a bowl of rice rather than sausage and eggs first thing in the morning.

Overall, I gained more than I lost.

I gained a renewed self confidence in my ability to control my actions, including my deeply ingrained instinctual actions and reactions.

I gained a deeper insight into how unnecessary the vast majority of my oral consumption was including the rituals, impulsive behaviors and drive for oral gratification.

I gained a lot of time to do other things as alternatives to planning, thinking about or engaging in eating activities.

I lost a few pounds. That's it. So my gains far outweigh my losses.

I'll be cranking up another fast shortly so I'm going to keep this blog alive until then so I can just continue it. I may pick up a cause to fast for next time.

Day Eleven 6:27 AM

I made it through yesterday although I did feel kind of weak. My extremities (hands/feet) get cold quickly but otherwise I felt pretty normal.

I am convinced that this whole issue of food is psychological. It's all in the mind. Completely.

I have not suffered at all and I have not had food in my mouth or stomach for ten complete days and eleven counting today. How could it be so simple for me not to eat while everyone in this culture freaks out if they miss lunch (myself included)? Are we so driven by our instincts that we can't recognize them for what they are?

Forty days and forty nights might be an ordeal. That's different. Maybe the days get tougher incrementally as the times rachets up, I don't know. But I know I could go twenty days from having done this ten, almost eleven days.

I feel no ill effect whatsoever and from the two books that I have read, there are nothing but beneficial effects from this exercise. Nowhere but in the United States are fasts looked down upon with such distain and I am mystified as to why this is. When I lived in Italy, as a small example, fasting was a normal rite of Catholic religious dogma. Maybe it's because it interrupts our comfort. We are a very comfort oriented culture and perhaps anything that challenges our comfort and obscene abundance is categorized as unacceptable.

Anyway, enough of my mental diarrea. Today I face day eleven. We'll see . . .

Day Nine 6:39 AM

Well I didn't wake up so great today.

Last night my feet and hand got chilled and I could not warm them up. It was probably because I volunteered to stand on a corner with a Peace sign for an hour in the rain. That kind of kicked off the being chilled part, but afterwards I could not warm up.

I am weak this morning and a little disoriented. My chest hurts for some unknown reason and I still have the shooting pains down the back side of my right arm from the nerve problem I encountered last week.

I am in the process of deciding if I can go the day today and my declaration for this blog is yes, I am going to go the day.

I have no philosophies this morning. I am a step up from flat-lining. I'll see if I come up with enough to write later on . . .

Day Eight 6:19 AM

I never would have believed that I would go eight days when I started this thing. I never do. That's why the power of doing it a day at a time is so effective. Each morning I wake up I just make a decision on whether I can go the entire day without food and the answer, so far, has been yes. Then my goal is to make it through one single day, each day, and that's not tough for me to do.

Had I begun this whole process with a two week or eight day goal in mind, I would have buried a burger in my pie hole on day two.

So today I fell just like yesterday. I don't feel particularly weak or low on energy or anything in particular. Just normal. We'll see how the day proceeds but I suspect it will be just like yesterday.

I tell nobody about this. The Bible tells us that fasting is between us and God and not for our own glorification on earth (although I don't know how being labeled as a "nut" can be considered glorification), so I am keeping this stuff to myslef. Nobody reads this blog but me so there's no danger there and even if someone would read it, they would not know who I am. I am more putting the idea out into cyberspace that this can be done with relative ease and minor discomfort rather than exemplifying myself as an extraordinary human being.

I feel like I am doing a phenominal favor to my body. It processes the water I put into it quickly because it's not burdened down with a lot of other functions that I have demanded of it. I am not losing a great deal of weight, believe it or not, but I definitely feel that I am detoxifying elements that I've been walking around with for a long time.

So I will be walking around today, mixing and interacting with my fellow citizens of Arlington Heights, and I will not have put food in my mouth for eight days. Everyone else is thinking, in the back of their minds, of the next meal . . . or snack. Just like I was eight days ago. But today, I am free of that instinctual overshadow.

It feels incredible.

Day Seven 12:22 PM

I got out of bed this morning and fell down I was so weak. I landed on my side and did not have the strength to prop myself up so I slowly turned myself over on my stomach and began to crawl to the nightlight. I don’t know why I was drawn to the nightlight but it became my universe. I knew I had to make it over to that nightlight if I wanted to survive. My voice would not respond to my urgent attempt to scream for help. All that came out were gurgling and scary gasping sounds so I tried to pull myself towards the nightlight by holding onto the leg of the nightstand but the nightstand wasn’t anchored and moved towards me. The jostling of the stand caused the lamp to fall on me which caused a sharp pain in my back where the angular, brass base landed dead center in the middle of my spine. The pain grew quickly to become unbearable but my attention to it was interrupted by the first eardrum-pounding howl.
Only kidding.
I had a very normal morning. I went to the gym and did 20 minutes of low-scale cardio work. I did not sweat which leads me to believe that I’m not drinking enough water. That will be a priority today. I usually drink about six cups of water but that is probably not enough when water is all that I’m putting in my stomach.
I’m not hungry. Eating is more of a memory now and I try not to think about it because it would be very appealing to put something tasty in my mouth. It tastes terrible in there and I think my tongues is getting bored with just my teeth and the roof of my mouth.
So it’s the idea of food that’s luring me, not the necessity of it. I could easily allow the idea of eating to overwhelm my disciplined thought process and drive me to the supermarket but it would be the thought process doing the driving not the physical or instinctual necessity.
That necessity will eventually arrive so I should try to stay in tune with my ability to recognize it when it does. I guess it will be in the form of weakness or overwhelming craving or something like that.
So I am on my way into the office to start my day . . .

Day Six 6:32 AM

Today has begun the same as any other, normal as can be. I am sitting at the computer in my bathrobe and checking my email. I have no anxities, noticable fears, physical discomforts or pressing psycological distractions. Everything seems to be as it should be.

The differences between how I feel physcially different today as compared to five days ago are relatively minimal. I feel a little bit weaker in the legs. I get, sometimes, dizzy if I stand up too fast but other than that I feel pretty intact and normal. I will be going to the gym today with one of my sons (to do strictly cardio and not too much of it) and I'll be able to tell what my phycial condition is then.

When thoughts of eating occur to me now, they don't even have a chance. I am euphoric about the fact I've been able to go six days without food and the feeling of accomplishment coupled up with the excitement of being able to go even more, day by day, overwhelms any short-term idea that I would throw the whole thing away for a piece of food. A similar form of this psychological process helped me to stop smoking. I suffered for the first couple of days but once I got some time "banked", I didn't want to throw away the "dues" I had paid to get where I was. The more days I accumulated, the more I had to lose and this worked for me. I wanted to protect the time I had invested so I praised it and elevated it, in focus and importance, in my mind to the point that my past accomplishments overwhelmed the impluses of the present.

Today is Sunday so I'll be heading off to church in a few hours. The people in my congregation are the only ones who do not look at this process as completely bizarre. In the past, when I have brought it up, everyone to a person has responded with a form of, "Oh my God! You have to eat! What are you, crazy?", so I have stopped bringing it up. Fasting is very normal and is present in most other cultures and in the Bible. That's why my church buddies see it as normal. The Mennonites are a wonderful bunch. I was not brought up Mennonite so it's all relatively new to me but I have researched it quite extensively (by my own personal standards). I come from a long line of Amish so becoming Mennonite is not that far off of what my generic tendency would indicate.

I don't think I'm losing much weight but this is not about weight loss. I'll weigh myself tomorrow maybe and see.

I am boring myself so I'll sign off until later on today or tomorrow.

Day Five 5:50 AM

Day Five is beginning as uneventful as any other day of my life. The fact that I have not eaten for four complete days is nowhere to be perceived of in my mind. I feel a slight sense of accomplishment by having succeeded in depriving my mouth of its fun 'n games for this long, so that's one kind of positive thing.

This whole thing of fasting appears, to me, to be a mind game. Just like running doesn't have much to do with the physical part of it and recovering from alcoholism doesn't have much to do with not drinking, fasting does not have a whole lot to do with not eating. To me, in MY perception of it, the whole thing revolves around how your mind handles the ordeal.

I decided, at the onset, that I was not going to "try" to fast, I was GOING to fast and I erased any possible snippets of thought that might endanger my success. Every time a thought pops into my head of eating (which happens frequently), I change the channel. I just force myself to think about something spiritual, I pray, I read, I walk outside, I start a fire in the fireplace, I pet the dogs, ANTHING but continue that thought about eating. And it works, for me.

So now I am beginning my fifth day and I am confident that I can make it through the day without eating. That's another technique I use . . . a day at a time. I do not think about tomorrow. If I had thought of going five days when I started this thing, I would not have survived even day one. So each day I decide it I can go this one day without food and lay down the law for the day: NO FOOD just for this one day. Then I play the same trick on myself the next day. It works!

Day Four 9:21 PM

I don't know why I didn't blog yesterday. I guess it was an uneventful day and nothing remarkable happened. I did not think about food. It was not a difficult feat for me to get through the day without eating.

I didn't drink enough water yesterday so I've tried to drink more today. What a boring liquid! I also cheated and had five cinnamon tic-tacs. The taste was so bad in my mouth that I broke down and sucked five tic-tacs. I am sure that tic-tacs are against the rules of fasting so this is probably not a sanctioned fast anymore.

I also went to the gym with my boys yesterday. I spent 20 minutes on one of an ellipse and ten minutes on a treadmill. I didn't lift because of the pinched nerve in my back, not because of the fast. The pain is intolerable. Maybe it's helping me get my mind off food. So this would be a "pinched nerve fast" in scientific terms.

Today was as easy. I drank a lot of water and chewed four pieces of orbit gum. I have to think that the breath mints and gum are frowned on by the fasting experts but they changed the awful taste in my mouth.

I forgot to mention that when I went to my doctor because of my pinched nerve, I weighed in at 234 pounds. That was Wednesday, so it was a day after I started. I am not doing this for weight loss, so I only bring it up in passing. It's Friday night and I have not weighed in. I'm sure I've lost nothing.

I haven't really talked to anyone about this because it doesn't seem to be considered normal behavior. When I went 14 days last year I created quite a commotion. I have a suspicion that when I broke the fast (with meat-lovers pizza), I narrowly averted a food intervention by my concerned family members and friends.

Day Two 9:43 AM

Yesterday went completely fine. I was able to keep myself distracted throughout the day so the idea of putting some taste in my mouth kept occuring and recurring but I was able to switch channels. Last night was rough because that's when I usually binge on cereal and lowfat milk but I just kept running around doing insignificant errands and it worked. I made it to bed without eating anything.

Today, day two, I have not yet been hit with any really huge temptation. The idea of eating keeps coming up but I just drink water or tea (a generic detox tea) and the impulse goes away. When it occurs to me to put something in my mouth, I refer to my motives and ask myself, "is the momentary gratification of eating this bag of Crunchy Cheetos worth giving up the day that I have banked and the sacrifice of my cleansing mission?". The answer has always come up "no" so far so I'll keep using it until it wears out.

Why am I doing this?

CAPTION: I am a non-remarkable male who leads a very ordinary life with a wonderful family near Chicago, Illinois. I will be 57 years old shortly and have spent a growing amount of time contemplating my accomplishments (or lack thereof), travels, experiences and general results of time spent so far on this planet. I am not overly impressed or depressed with what I have done, but I definitely feel as though I have not practiced what I believe to the full extent of my ability.
The question of why this has occurred is very complex and could easily obscure my intentions for this blog, so I will not dwell on the subject for long. It is clear to me, however, that I cannot blame the human condition or the culture that I live in for my lackluster performance in my half-century to date. I am not, and have not been, an unwilling victim of the smothering effects of capitalism and convenience that permeates and defines the environment that I have agreed to live in.
So I take full responsibility for being relatively overweight and for the sagging, poorly conditioned physique that houses my intellect and my spirit.
QUESTION: So why am I fasting?
Reason one: I am fasting to see if I can. I want to know how much free will I actually possess versus what I profess to possess. I may as well acknowledge the truth before I exit this phase of life.
Reason two: I sincerely believe that fasting is physically beneficial for me. I have paid absolutely no attention to my body for fifty-odd years and have enjoyed the short-term, sensory experiences that questionable edible and libatious comestibles have delivered. As a result, I am overweight and out of shape. So I have read two books that have had a remarkable impact on me: Hunger: An Unnatural History by Sharman Apt Russell and The Fasting Path: For Spiritual, Emotional, and Physical Healing and Renewal by Stephen Harrod Buhner. There are many other books available on the subject but these two convinced me that the process is valid and could bring me the benefits that I seek. I need to detoxify at this point in my life and I have come to believe that fasting is an efficient method of cleansing.
Reason three: In my personal search for life’s meaning I have become a baptized Mennonite. Although fasting is not a recognized doctrine of the Mennonite Church, I have received personal spiritual approval and, perhaps, incentive to proceed with this cleansing.
Reason four: I want to see if I can determine how much of my intake is instinctual; how much is compulsory and/or addictive input type behavior; and how much is necessary for me to live.
QUESTION: So why am I fasting and blogging about it?
Reason one and only: To make a declaration to the world, albeit unimportant for anyone to read this except me. I am inclined to think that this public announcement will make me more accountable to myself and will force me to filter, focus and consolidate my thoughts on what is happening to me due to the fact that I am writing about them daily.
Summary: I am fasting and writing about it. I will be absolutely amazed if this interests anyone but it if does, and you have something to say about it, you are more than welcome to enter your comments in this blog.

Day One 10:40 AM

Unremarkable. I am spending more time trying not to think about not eating than I would be thinking about eating. Ordinarily, I would not have eaten anyway, which is a bad thing, but right now it is only ten forty in the morning and it's not a big deal.